I'll Always Remember

You’re a sweet girl. You’re kind hearted and loving and you have the best of intentions. I can trust you with all of my secretes, I can vent to you about my rough days, and I know that deep down you would do anything for me. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if you hadn’t been a part in my life, but girl, I just can’t handle your addictions to drugs.

It didn’t used to be like this though. I remember the day you walked into art class and you sat down at my table. I remember the first time we went to lunch together and hung out after school. I remember our first adventure to wall-mart, and although I haven’t mixed the beta fish and the gold fish together sense, you know I’ll never forget “the good old days”. I remember sitting on your bed when he came over for the first time. I remember him smelling like stale cigarettes as he threw you a handle of Skull; classy. After that night, I was never at your house without him following you around like a sick puppy, a puppy that always had a rum and coke between his skinny fingers. I’ll never forget standing in your kitchen, waiting for him to come over while we made our famous mac-n-cheese. No knock, no surprise, as he waltzed into the kitchen and ever so gracefully placed 4 little oval tablets on the counter. One by one he crushed those ovals under your license until they created a perfect little pile of powder. You didn’t seem as surprised as I was, but I know sweet girl, I know just how surprised you were. He whipped out a dollar bill and waited for one of us to do the job. You then gave me that look, the look that only best friends give each other when they both know what happens next. I tended to the mac-n-cheese as your tender shaking hands carefully rolled that dollar bill so that it could fit where it’s supposed to go. I saw you watching him as he pinched one nostril closed and violently inhaled through the other one. I remember him straightening his posture as he mixed his coughing with the words “who’s next?” You were. That night was an experience, but those didn’t stop. Soon, he was bringing those little ovals around all the time, you always asked if I wanted some, but you always knew the answer. It wasn’t long before those ovals got old. I remember coming into your room when you were on the phone with him, all you said was “No Zanny? Yeah, I’m up for some blow.”

Cocaine was the falling point. You spent every dollar to your name on coke. You began asking random kids at school if they would bum you 5 dollars for “food” and on the seldom occasion they would, you would spend that money on the only thing you had your mind on; drugs. I watched you do every drug in the books. It didn’t matter if we had a test the next day, it didn’t matter if it was a Monday or Friday, it didn’t matter if it was at ten at night or ten in the morning. Hell if you were doing coke at six am it was because you hadn’t slept sense the day before. You missed day after day after day at school, and there was nothing I could do to bring you back. I tried. Fuck, I’m still trying.

The night before I left for school, I remember you calling me telling me to come over and say goodbye. I was making the rest of the goodbye rounds before I stopped by your house though, because you know, save the best for last. I called you right before I came over, I knew you were high, I always knew. I walked into your house to see a cluster of people that just pointed to your door. They said you were going to bed, so I walked straight to your room. Although the lights were off I knew that room like the back of my hand. I flipped on the light to find you viciously pulling the covers over your head to shield the light. “Noooooooooo” was all I got from you. I told you I was leaving, you know, for California. I was leaving and wouldn’t see you until Christmas and you wouldn’t even say goodbye to me? I forced a hug out of you before walking out of your room for the last time.

I’m done with the girl you’ve become. I’m done with your black hole of a life that I’ve tried relentlessly to get you out of. I’m done trying to force love and affection back into you when I know that it will just be rejected. I’m done pretending that you choose me over drugs, when we both know that’s not the case. I love you sweet girl. I love you, and I always will. I just hope that you choose to be done with this lifestyle before it takes you away from me for good.