Expectations

Dear expectations,

I never wanted to disappoint my mother. She is the only person in my life who has never left me. She deserves everything she wants, and everything I can give her. The problem is, you made her want me to be successful, and want me to be the best at whatever I do. I want to be a doctor, one of the most competitive fields in the world, and I’m not sure if I’m cut out for it. So what am I supposed to do?

To be a Doctor, I have to give up everything I love, I can’t play sports, pursue side interests like gender and sexuality, keep writing music, and I cant be a leader in the community. All of this because studying alone takes everything away. So the one thing you made my mother want and everyone expect of me, is the one thing that will make me lose almost everything. I’m not even sure it’s what I want, all I know, is I like helping people and I like fixing things, its what makes me happy. So I can’t disappoint the people who support me, and I cant give up what I love.

So fuck everything, screw college, I’m not willing to give up what I love, and I’m not willing to waste peoples money so I can take a stupid major and use the school as a good time for me. So let everyone keep his or her money, and I’ll pursue whatever I end up doing. I’ll play sports at community center, I’ll work as a sailing instructor, I’ll write for fun, I’ll play music, and I wont worry about disappointing anyone. I love my mom but she will be fine without me, she has my sister and I’m sure she’ll do great and be as successful as anyone else.

So expectations, I hope you’re ok with this because I’m done with you, I did everything, I took care of the family for four years, I kept the house in shape, I cooked, I cleaned, and I did everything they needed of me. When my dad left you didn’t exist, but then again there was no one else, so I made you, I let you rule me for four years, and I’m done. I’m done going to sleep every night wondering if my mom is ok, if she had a good meal, if the house is working in proper order, if the car is starting, if my sister is depressed, if she’s doing drugs, if my ex is happy, I’m done stressing about everyone else’s life. My sister is in Boston, she doesn’t need me, I moved out so my mom needs to take care of herself, and I’m alone now. I don’t need to do anything for you; I can leave and never look back. So consider this me telling you that I’m leaving, no more chores, no more fixing everything, no more running at every beck and call, I’m going to start living for myself and no one else.